by Ricky Doc Sauceda
As a boy I dealt with an angry father. He was very hard to cope with. I was always getting yelled at, told to go away and when I really upset him, he beat me like I was the scourge of his life. I felt very distant from my daddy during these times.
There were times he would be fun to be around, but most of those times were with his family – sisters, brothers and their children. He was always happy around them and very giving. They loved him and saw the best side of him at all times.
There were occasions when he was happy with me, momma and my sisters. We can just about count those times on our fingers. There weren’t many of those as we grew up. It shows today in the distant ways we have towards each other. We had a great deal of pain to overcome and it was a part of us – the part that drove us to God. Thanks to momma, we knew there was a God, a church and a way to be strong in this world.
As I entered my early teens, I was misbehaving. I was drinking, smoking marijuana and getting into a lot of mischief. All of that abuse, being molested by an uncle and not having ‘inner peace’ was taking a toll on me.
Out of the blue, it seemed, my daddy caught on to my behavior pattern. He began to recognize that I was in some kind of unrest. He realized I was smoking cigarettes and became more concerned. He started going into my room and smelling my clothes and looking around. He found something.
He discovered my cherry flavored rolling papers. He walked over to my momma and said, “Look, Mary Jane. Look at what I found in his room.” Momma looked at the packet of papers and had no idea what they were for. Daddy explained they were for making marijuana cigarettes with. I denied it until I was blue in the face.
I told momma, “I like the way they taste. I just chew on them.” I took one out of the pack and put it in my mouth and said, “See!” I convinced my momma and she told my daddy, “He chews on them. Leave him alone.” I just smiled at my daddy. He said, “You are not fooling me.”
Later that evening, he asked me to sit with him at the kitchen table. We sat across from each other and he began to talk to me. This conversation went on for a couple of hours. He didn’t let me get up until he got his message across. He started talking about why it is important to be good in life. He talked about his childhood, his poverty, hunger, creativeness and his zeal for life. He was being a real father to me.
Only now do I realize that he became aware of the part he took in my unhappy state. He was trying to make right what had been done wrong. He talked to me one other time just like this. Then that awful night that ended my parent’s marriage came.
In those talks, my daddy shared how he had to fend for his family – as his own daddy had died when he was just a boy. My daddy had to find food and earn whatever money he could to help his momma, an older brother, an older sister, and two younger siblings. He had to be a man in the body of a young boy.
He told me of his drinking, cigarette smoking and dating. I was amazed to hear it all. Another thing happened; he quit yelling at me and beating me at that time as well. He finally realized he needed to be the father to me that he never had. The father that I needed before it was too late for me to change.
I now see that my daddy had a part in my finding Jesus Christ as Savior. He certainly helped me get stronger after my first marital separation. He was there for me at time as well. Good timing, God.
At the end of his life, daddy was a new man in the Lord Jesus Christ. He was REBORN in the spirit and showed it every day. He was poor but full of faith. When he died in that Greenspoint apartment parking lot on a Sunday in October of 1995, he was ready. Ready to go home to the Lord he loved.
I identify so closely with him now. Divorced, alone and relying on the love of the Lord to carry me each day. Daddy would write prayers out and recite them every day. My sisters read his last one at the wake. It brought all of his family and friends to tears – the fact that he was praying for them each day. Everyone wanted a copy of it; I have lost mine.
I am glad my daddy was SAVED. I can just see daddy saying hello to grandma Lizzardi as she entered the pearly gates. I can hear her say, “Is that you, Richard? I can’t believe it!” I can just see momma’s face as daddy greeted her with, “I told you we’d be together.” (Daddy was tirelessly trying to reclaim my momma’s hand in his last years)
So, now I pray that my children and I meet with grandma, daddy and momma. I also pray for my sisters and their families as well. We are finally going to be happy together. I can’t wait to see that happen.
For now, I am here to share writings with you. Amen.