by Ricky Doc Sauceda
In 2 Samuel 12:1-6, the prophet Nathan tells King David a story of a rich man and a poor man. The rich man takes the little lamb of the poor man and makes a meal for a traveler. This story is to confront King David of his sins regarding Uriah and his wife Bathsheba.
I am confronting the realization that this is my story. I am the poor man that had his little lamb taken from him. I have placed myself at the mercy of God and have come a great distance from the pain I first endured. I really feel the absence of my partner now. As I read of how happy some of my Faithful Friends are, it makes me realize what I have lost.
I have only managed to come close to one woman in this time. A woman who I never met in person, but fell deeply in love with. Someone who confounded my senses and caused me great mental anguish. It was for the Lord that I endured this trial and I don't regret it. It honed my spirit to be stronger by learning to trust in the Lord in deeper ways. I miss her in some ways: her voice, laugh, sense of self and fellowship. But, fellowship is the issue that lingers in my mind.
Resuming our relationship in February, after parting our ways on Halloween night, I noticed she was not the same. She didn't fellowship with me - not once. I read scripture to her, prayed with her and led discussions about our paths, but she was not passionate like months before. Something was wrong with Mia Angela.
It has been a month now since we said goodbye. I keep praying for her for two reasons: she asked me to and because I love her still. I don't know what will become of her, but I hope she is well and getting her faith in order. She has the ability to be special in the Way. I hope she can find her direction to that path.
It was hard losing my wife. It was harder losing Mia Angela because at one point we connected like nothing I have ever experienced. That is the person I miss...the one who made me feel alive. I don't miss the dreary one she can be. She cursed at me twice in our discussions, because I angered her. I never did that to her - at least I exhibited patience to her. Something I promised the Lord I would do for her.
I need to be very careful at this point. I want a partner only if they can be whole and a companion with Christian faith as our foundation in a relationship. This will be of utmost importance. I don't want any more bad experiences.
God holds me in His palm. If it wasn't for that, I cringe at what could have become of me. I will keep relying on Him.